Hands Held High

Twelve years ago I sat in my little third grade classroom listening to my teacher's assistant read to the class from a small little book she picked up at the bookstore.  I was annoyed because I wanted to go read my own stories and barely paid attention at first.  But as I started to open my mind to the tales of Harry and Ron and Hermione, I suddenly began to crave more.  I needed to know what happened next.  Soon after, my parents banned me from reading the books; they thought it was dangerous material which would make me frivolously waste my time.  My dad in particular wanted me to read anatomy books as he wanted me to be a doctor.  I remember sneaking past library books for the Harry Potter books, reading them by flashlight so that I wouldn't be caught.

 I know they're not incredible piece of literature by a critics view.  Sure they have faults, but how can one deny they're amazing magic? What other books have such a captivated audience.  Even as a ten year old, I knew their significance in my life.  With Harry Potter, I was going on my own adventures in my very own house.  Somewhere along the lines my dad especially realized that I would keep on reading Harry Potter no matter what he said.  Eventually he conceded when the movies came out. I memorized line after line of Harry Potter and wished bitterly that someone would come take me to Hogwarts.  I think for the greater part of my life, I have resented reality. Most people do, but I really wanted to fly and play Quidditch and learn potions.

Thing about reality is that it tends to be less than what you imagine.  For the greater part of my life, I read novels as an escape from my world of sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment.  I thrived in someone else's imagination because I felt like I could never create such a beautiful universe that I could call my own.  I hated my parents limits just as much as I hated being Indian.  To be born into such a family with so many restrictions on what you ate, wore, and thought was tiresome. But I saw characters such as Jane Austen's lovely leading ladies, Harry, Ron and Hermione, and countless others live beyond the expectations of their worlds, I hoped and dreamed that I too would get that kind of freedom.

It has been a hard few months.  I nearly failed a class in a subject I hated, and I found myself bitterly regretting my school.  I was some person whom I had never met: I didn't devour books, I wanted to talk to people constantly and found pleasure in being cold and unreachable.  I could not recognize myself and neither could anyone else.  To go from someone who had dreams to one who feared the future was a transition I never expected out of college.  The list of things I am afraid of is long: from relationships to spending money to changing my mind.  I wish there was someone who told me that it was OK to ask for help and to struggle.  I wish there was someway I could've realized that school was supposed to be enjoyable.  Sure it's hard, but I wanted to enjoy myself and my major.

I began to look into the roots of my misery: I don't really like science, or really anything that'll get me a paycheck.  I wish I had a bigger imagination so that I could write up a universe which could eclipse my reality, however I have no such insight.  I can't even begin to imagine how it would be to live someone else's life because for so long I had been trapped in my body wishing I was someone, anyone else.  Being afraid of life is the biggest struggle I've dealt with.  Its worse than being depressed, but I know that there are people out there who face true horrors.  This is a rather heavy handed post which I was only  brave enough to publish because I needed to face up to realities of my life rather than lurking in someone else's reality.  I will never be able to fly a broomstick, play Quidditch, stow my money in Gringotts, or go study magic at Hogwarts.  But I will be able to walk out of life knowing that I could think up these things alongside Rowling to the end of my days.  I might be an adult, but I'm not yet a grownup with grownup ideas and limitations.  I am more than that.