I Carry Your Heart in Mine

The Girl with the Kaleidoscope Eyes

2011-11-12T17:50:00.001-08:00

The world is a beautiful, colorful place.
Don't live in monotones,
experiment, chase down rainbows,
free yourself.
Maybe you will start believing that
there's more to you than what meets the eyes.

~Happy Fall! The photo was taken by my friend David W. Today I took a dive into the realm of uncertainty and cut my hair super short for the first time in a very, very, very long time. I feel free of the long weight of the years past and nostalgic for those old memories. Perhaps one day I will greet them with open arms instead of regret.

xoxo The Blogger

When Chocolate Isn't Enough

2011-10-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

photo credits: Jane Kim

Which would you rather: going back in time to change the past
or predicting the future?

A Fool for You

2011-10-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

Some days I just want to close my eyes and leap

into the unknown, but then I realize that every step

I've taken was a leap of faith, in the belief that I would find

happiness.

Sorry for the long absence. I've been super busy and the best time to blog is right smack-dab in the middle of studying for an important biochem test, haha (whoops). I just saw this picture on my tumblr and thought of a little fun "quotem" which is a quote-poem hybrid. I hope y'all are having a great week (or at least less tiresome than moi).

~ The blogger

Its a Gray Kind of Thing

2011-09-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish that I could scream out to the world
Tell them what's really on my mind.
Ask them what it is that makes us who we are;
but alas things don't work that way.
And we're left to deal with the broken imaginations
and rigid understandings we have
of our surroundings.

The photo was taken by someone else but I forgot who, but its not my picture just so y'all know!

What Makes a Good Person

2011-09-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

I just had the oddest and a semi-insulting (and by that I mean I'm not sure if I was insulted or if it was my imagination) encounter with an acquaintance at my school. Basically I said that walking to the food court always made me crave chicken curry and she said "You eat meat?" to which I replied "I eat chicken sometimes." This brought on this statement, and I quote "You should be careful who you mention meat to. Some people get very angry."

I'm sure that she meant that I needed to hide the fact that I eat meat because I am a Hindu and I eat chicken. Unfortunately there are some Hindus who believe that if you eat any amount of meat you are a bad person and therefore deserve discrimination and judgment. Don't get me wrong, I'm an extremely religious, especially for a girl who tends to avoid Indian culture altogether. But I also believe that those stupid superstitions that we follow is all because bad people are worried they might be punished later for their deeds and want to use superstitions to make themselves feel better.

I can't believe even now, after trying so hard to separate my life from the highly judgmental folk who make up my cultural community I still got some whiplash. I suppose it doesn't matter. If you're a good person, no amount of waking up to the East, sitting a certain way during pujas, eating certain food is going to make God appreciate you less. And NO amount of waking up to the East, sitting a certain way during pujas, eating certain food is going to make a horrible person better. Time to go off to class and learn and dwell on the topic of good versus evil some more. Of course right now the only evil in my life is procrastination while trying to study for my test on Wednesday.

This World of Mine

2011-09-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

Its a beautiful day,

that's too beautiful for regrets

or thoughts of the past.

Its time to walk into the future,

after catching up with the past.

I hope this is a wonderful day; not one that reminds you of the horrors of years ago. Now if only I got some concentration so that I could actually finish my homework. This is a bigger challenge then it ought to be.

~xoxo The Blogger

An Instruction's Guide

2011-09-12T17:46:00.000-07:00

I write poetry as though I'm running-
I get tired easily and feel as though I need to reinvent myself,
I live life as though there
aren't those who will bring me down,
and I pretend that I am not affected
by the sticks and stones of people's speeches
and actions.

xoxo The Blogger

I Would Build A Bridge to the Other Side

2011-09-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

Photo taken by my friend Urvashi.

Sometimes I wonder if the person I meet next is the one to change my life the most.
People have that kind of funny power don't they?
You think its all you,
but to change you must go out there
and meet someone new.

PS I don't know if y'all are in love with Harry Potter as much as I am, but I am in love with Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls. Anyway moving on: I'm completely irritated by lab HW and in no fit state to do biochemistry or physical chemistry. I pretty much have been sitting here reading and wishing someone would just randomly start talking to me. That of course is impossible since I've banned myself from all chatting, thus I've been invisible for the most part on all my sites. MOVING ON.

~xoxo the blogger

Mischief Managed

2011-09-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to Dragon Con. Its a convention for all things sci-fi, fantasy, etc. While it sounds INCREDIBLY nerdy, that's OK because I went for Harry Potter. I love Harry Potter so much (I'm still VERY patiently waiting for my Pottermore email) so when I found out Tom Felton (who played Draco Malfoy in the movies) was coming to my city's Dragon Con. I was super excited and the weekend did not disappoint. The one thing I regret is not being able to take a picture with him, but at least I met and spoke to him.

By the way, My friend Devi and I took all of these. No reproductions are allowed. Also the guy who looked like Cap'n Jack Sparrow is actually NOT Johnny Depp. Uncanny resemblance though right?

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

xoxo The Blogger

Words

2011-09-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we need an escape from the constraints of our lives.

To feel again, to love again;

go back to your core and see the world in a new way.

So the first three pictures are the ones I love from my cousin's wedding, taken by a professional photographer. Her name is Carrie Draghi and I think she did fantastic work. The rest (I apologize for so many, I just loved all of them) I took of my campus. I needed an escape and a change so I decided to try to re-imagine my world. I know that my photography is just pretty, but not provocative art, but that's OK. After all, as Andy Warhol once said, ""I’m afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning," maybe living each day by seeing, feeling and sensing everything in the same manner just makes life lose its meaning. Yesterday I splashed in water, felt the leaves on my skin and let the warmth of the sun liven me up again. For me, experiencing my world in simple ways is the best way for me to live.

Narrative of Your Life

2011-09-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

I heard an interesting podcast about telling a story about science. In it, Robert Krulwich explains how important it is to be able to talk about science or math in a way that relates to everyone. Its knowledge for the masses. I think its really interesting that he correlates scientific discussion to storytelling. Its true, people love stories. Its why TV dramas win Emmy's, why authors get Pulitzer prizes, why we have who award shows just for people who were able to get their message across to a mass population. I love to know what others think. I didn't used to; growing up I learned to never ask questions and do as I'm told. I think this is a serious setback in my life because I've never felt curious about the world around me. I just know what I'm supposed to do and what I'm supposed to think. But I like to think that I can become curious and that listening to other people talk about their passions will make me more interested in the world around me.

.

Tell me a story. It doesn't have to be perfect and can be about anything. Maybe you have a reason as to why Andy Warhol's popart has had such a huge influence on modern art, why identical twins have such different personalities, why people fall in love. Maybe you have a story too and no one to listen to it. Go ahead and share if you will.

This Journey

2011-08-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

Flickr Photographer: Tatiana Cordeal

If I haven't said before, no one has the right to take my pictures. Therefore this stuff better not show up on other people's sites claiming it as their own. Afterall I try to credit people for their artwork. I just have been feeling sorta down today. I know I am blessed, but sometimes its hard to feel that way when you feel alone. The worst part is that I want to be alone, but I don't want to be alone. Its like I crave friendships, but I also just don't want to deal with them. I prefer to think of myself as a way a friend described in this status: "Sometimes, the person who tries to keep everyone happy is always the most lonely person, so never leave them alone because they will never say that they need you." I hope my friends don't leave me alone, but sometimes they do....

Its OK, I have my reasons for my isolation: classes and sleep, which is being deprived of right now.......

Calm Settles in the Dusk

2011-08-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

photo by violetz_85 on flickr.com

There isn't anywhere
I'd rather be
And nothing I'd rather do
than share my world
and my life with you.

xoxo the blogger

In the Heat of Things

2011-08-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

I learned many things this weekend:
1. I cannot admit to the unspeakable Friday Night events
2. I LOVE those little cake treats at Starbucks.
3. My second favorite thing about our campus is the big fountain in the middle of campus which as per school tradition I splashed around in today.
4. I get TERRIBLY nervous in auditions. I'm pretty sure I will NEVER get a call back nor did I impress the A capella group people. However because I am a fool I'm going to keep on auditioning for the other two and hope I get at least one call back.
5. I'm going to do everything it takes to get on Dean's List this semester. I know what I have is enough to get at least that goal if not more.

Time for bed finally. Even if I am slightly hungry and my computer has suddenly decided to make questionable noises when I type....... I'm so glad I get to close my eyes and have a new chance tomorrow and possibly get my Pottermore email.

Night all,
xoxo the Blogger

Is there Anybody out there

2011-08-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

I am the stargazer in this part of town.
The resident of a high rise,
I always look to the skies
thinking maybe my future is written up there.
But when I look up,
all I see are small little lights suspended in
an envelope of midnight.
And I can't help wondering
if I'm the only one
who thinks the world
looks like a made-up spoof
of a starry night.

The Art of Studying People

2011-08-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

I think two of the classes that I'm EXTREMELY excited for this semester are not my major classes but my psychology classes: personality theory and social psychology. I sometimes wish I had taken the leap and switched to psychology, but there's always post-undergraduate studies right? I think the most enjoyable thing is having a subject matter that's immediately relatable plus good professors. People are so fascinating aren't they?

I've got a mix of professors: some are good and others confuse the living daylights out of me. If you're a student and starting school, what's your favorite classes/subjects. Do you have great or mediocre professors?
To everyone else, how has your week been?

My Best Regards

2011-08-23T17:36:00.000-07:00

For those of you affected by the earthquake I hope you and your friends and family are safe. I know how it must feel to worry because I have family members there, so my thoughts and prayers are on you.

Love
The blogger

You and Me

2011-08-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

There's a whole world between us.
The air around my fingertips
is a reminder
that you are out there waiting for me,
willing me to find you,
and hold your hand.

*Apparently there really are floating laterns and I've decided that number 1 on my personal bucket list is to go and watch these in person. Any information would be greatly appreciated.

~The blogger, xoxo

I Gots a Plan and Imma Beat This Struggle

2011-08-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to let go of the emotional clutter in my soul. This concept is known as Danshari. Miss Minimalist introduced it to me in this article that appeared on my blog reader. I actually really like the idea of letting go of the things which crowd your conscience because we hold on to so much that we should let go.

I know clutter doesn't have to be something you see. I have a tumblr, two blogs (one personal and this writing one), a twitter, a facebook, and all google accounts. I decided to let go by:

1) deleting my google plus. I never really used it and it always creeped me out that random Indian males would add me to their "circles".

2) I also deleted my old private blogs de-followed a lot of the blogs I used to follow through my google, tumblr, and twitter accounts. Usually if I love a blog, I'll remember the url and go directly there. Its been liberating, but lately it seems like new things just crop up and replace the old. So how do I manage this? I constantly de-follow people whose blogs I no longer relate to.

4) I also went back and deleted irrelevant tumblr blog posts. I know it sounds extreme, but its never too late to take off something that just doesn't apply to you anymore.

I just ordered a dress that I love so I can safely get rid of one dress from my wardrobe. Really "balancism" is all about maintaining. One new thing is introduced and one old thing is thrown out. I really need to work on keeping things in a state that I can control so next decluttering project is my makeup and personal hygiene collection. I feel like I'm shedding the pounds. Really and truly this need to have things has been so frustrating. I don't like clutter (it drives me nuts especially since I'm a tad bit of a germophobe). My friend told me I needed to just relax, not throw out things, but that's not true. How are you supposed to relax when there's so many "things" vying for your attention. Its enough to make anyone break into a million confused pieces. Hence why I'm declaring a war on all of this. I'm taking back my life.

XoXo

The blogger :)

The Semblance of Order

2011-08-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired of holding onto my textbooks so I've been looking everywhere for ways to sell them. Unfortunately for me no one wants to buy my books :( I'm very sad by this prospect, but hope it all changes. If not I'll just sell as many of 'em back to Amazon so that I can get amazon credit and then use that to buy some other books. This is such a complicated process its like a frenzy here. I also wanted to sell some of my old dictionaries and books that I will no longer read. I hope that I make some kind of profit. If I had more of a presence on blogger I would offer my own books and dresses up for sale here. I've got a few dresses that I'm not longer in love with and would like for them to have a nice home. If anyone who stumbles upon this blog or my tumblr and would love to find out about my merchandise please please please email me so that I can get this stuff sold and gone!

Waiting...The Blogger

For One Moment

2011-08-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

For one moment,
he stole my heart.
I put it up for a great price,
but he stole it anyway
saying it was a precious treasure
that was to wonderful for a price.
For one moment I believed him,
gazing into his calm eyes,
and leaned in to kiss him.
But when the kiss ended,
I realized
that I had been cheated out of a heart.

What a Wonderful World

2011-08-15T16:55:00.000-07:00

Ready for some pictures?

All pictures in this post were taken by me or my father.

I think the thing I liked the most about my Niagara Falls trip is that even though it was completely filled with people and tourists and money-making attractions, I was completely hooked on how peaceful it was. The sight of the birds flying unconcernedly, the rush of the water catapulting down towards the earth, the feeling of the sun shining, the emerald water sparkling like a very big gemstone just made me appreciate all the more where I stood.

I think I realized that more than anything, we've got to recognize what a beautiful treasure our planet is. Not that I'm going to preach about environmentalism or anything, but sometimes I think we forget what a truly wonderful world we live in because we're always so distracted by the complexity of our other problems.

Lately I've felt distracted about the complexity of life. Sometimes I'm glad to be human because it means I can change myself and make my life better. Sometimes I sort of wish that I could push it all away. I guess I'm a natural born avoider. Anyway, I'm rambling in my oh-so-charming-way. Have a great Monday y'all!

In Other Things

2011-08-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

This guy is pretty funny. I read his blog updates and follow his twitter and he never fails to amuse me. Anyway its his blog's 1st birthday so: "Happy Anniversary Simple Dude! I am a proud Simpleton."

The Cries of the Sea Monster

2011-08-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

I went to a wonder of the world

and back.

I heard the roars of the dragon,

that settles into its humble abode.

I felt the shock of nature at its most pure,

and came back again in the epitome of human machinery.

Albeit it a little less whole than when i went,

But I'm back again.

And this calm though I have missed,

in my dreams are the cries of the sea monster

Je Vois La Vie En Rose

2011-08-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

So many things I wish you knew

But the past is there open doors for anyone who seeks.

You however do not seek, do you?

Keep watching and waiting for something that will never come.

Keep saying your mantra to yourself over and over,

"Je vois la vie en rose"

One day it might come true

Picture Perfect Take 3: Not Watching My Mind

2011-08-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

Close your eyes
because there's nothing left for you here.
Say goodbye to the deeds
and the grass
and the trees.
They will not miss you.
Go find yourself
God help you
find your mind,
lest you lose yourself once more
over the bitter resentments
of a dying regret.

Picture Perfect Take 2: Things We Didn't Know

2011-08-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

There are things we didn't know,
We bought and saved
thinking this is what we wanted.
But when the flower bloomed
its beautiful petals held a mystique
and a certain sadness.
The bloom showed us what we didn't want,
nurtured by the tears of our misfortunes.

Dancing on a Snowy Night

2011-08-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

There are days when I fear death.
But then I remind myself that death is a comforting sort of absence.
Its God's way of telling you They know
you have had enough and are ready to come Home.
I think I'm more afraid of growing old
without a man to dance with and fall in love.
I'm more afraid that maybe I will walk away
without anyone to call me back.

Through the Night

2011-08-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

It gets harder everyday.
When the space between is larger
growing infinitesimal
with every step we take
farther and farther away from the heart.

I think about how much my hands quake
without yours to hold mine steady.
I just wish you were here sometimes.
Do you ever think of me?

Picture Perfect: Take 1

2011-08-02T15:59:00.001-07:00

I've decided that I'm going to have a "Blog Post Series". Basically it'll be an inspirational picture that I find (I will link to the original owner. I'm not trying to steal anyone's thunder here), along with my thoughts. I figure we could all do with a little bit of beauty in our lives.

Courtesy of andertho

The Shadow's Song murmurs in the wind.

I feel lifted by the slience,

as though darkness had hands to pick me up.

There is a place to be and go.

The voices of the dead have called to me.

I have a place of my own.

The Things I know

2011-08-02T14:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Person(People) Up There Who Decide My Fate and Future and Who I Love Despite Everything,

You know those people who manage to wake up early and go to sleep early and make the most of their days? I am not one of those people. I don't even know if I'm jealous of those people because quite honestly who wants to get up early in the morning and sleep early at night when there's nothing to do. Sometimes I think I'm a hypocrite because I wished for Summer and now all I want is to have a purpose again in my life.

What am I doing right now? Basically swooning over Tom Felton and wondering how the school year will go. How weird will it be when I'm nervous about going to work rather than just taking classes. I really really hope this year goes much better for me. It already seems to be looking up since I'll be able to meet (and take a picture with) Tom Felton at Dragon Con. I am TERRIFIED of meeting him and giddy at the same time. How odd if must be for him to have random people excited to meet him?

I feel like I should've done more, but I'm glad I didn't overwork myself for a few months.
I find that people are adorable as per evidenced by Letters to Crushes. I've realized that I am a human rather than a woman-bot and that I possibly need to lighten up. I'm hooked on harry potter fanfiction, tea, sleeping and piano music. I feel normal inside. Not better nor worse, just normal. Its a nice feeling and I hope it lasts.

The Blogger xoxo

Six Degrees of Separation

2011-07-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

Life is cruelly boring. I've been reading this fanfiction by Gryffin_Duck. Its quite wonderful; it follows the tales of James Severus Potter during his years at school. I'm going to have to print it all out and save it so that I can share it with my kids many moons from now. Lately life has just gotten even more boring. I've literally spent all my time reading the available Albus Potter stories. Quite frankly that and spazzing over the future. I seem to be in a permanent state of confusion over what I should do. Its even worse when I think about how close I am to the "future". Its like my nose is pressed on the window to it after all....I think that's the worst part of growing up. You're no longer a child.

Anyone else completely worried or is it just me?

Struggles

2011-07-31T09:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so obviously this is more of a pathetic whining excuse than an ACTUAL struggle. However it has come to my attention that I DID NOT GET INTO POTTERMORE. In fact I've got no freaking clue HOW to get that early registration. What is up with that QUILL. I just want to get in!!!!

He Would've Never Left You Broken

2011-07-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

How to know you're a little bit crazy:

Wake up after 10 hours of sleep (simultaneously surviving a rather freaky dream about living in New York)
Immediately get on the computer to read Harry Potter Fanfiction and blogs
Drink a cup of tea and don't eat for hours even if you're starving
Replay the same morose song while silently sobbing about the Battle of Hogwarts and take comfort in the fact that you can always reread stories that have touched your heart
Realize you're crazy and probably going to stay alone for the rest of your life because no man alive would possibly put up with you're kind of insanity.

Now I keep daydreaming about moving to London or really anywhere in England. Ever since US has been closer and closer to bankruptcy, I'm starting to wonder if its even worth trying to help out the country anymore. Part of me wants to become a teacher and maybe one day bring about education reform, but that seems to be less and less on the politicians' minds. I mean, I don't blame them. Some of them got voted in by a largely ignorant electoral demographic so educating people might not be their top priority. (ie the idiots at Capitol Hill who think that God will save us since "he promised Noah", etc). That's what I'm assuming anyway since the military gets more funding than do schools.

To read more of the startling and uncomfortable things going on at the nation's Capitol:

Environment

More Dumb Ass Cuts for things that will save our kids

Church and State

No compromise

For more links just go to NPR. That's my main source for news.

**disclaimer:I'm not a Christian, but I do believe in God. No, I'm not prejudiced. I just feel that in a country so religiously and demographically diverse that the state and the church just don't mix. These people are not idiots because they believe in God, rather they use it as an excuse so that they don't have to make tough decisions and real actions to fix this country's fiscal mess. **

No Slouching Allowed

2011-07-26T14:56:00.000-07:00

The things we do in the name of beauty and image. Urgh. I've been attempting to maintain my eyebrows since I can't go to a regular salon and get them done. I am slowly getting better at threading my eyebrows without the fear of completely shaving them off. Woe to me for being a girl in the twenty-first century. It sometimes sucks because you're silently pressured to be pretty, have clear skin, and forgo the natural look for a more commercialized makeup ridden face, wear chic clothes that might not be comfortable (but at least you look "hot").

Is this what modern beauty looks like?

Its not that I'm complaining because I feel like I have to try to be pretty in society's definitions. I generally don't wear makeup (at least not when I'm bumming out). I have workouts printed and read for me to attempt ( I might even get a file for them). But at the end of the day, who is this all for? I'm not in love (I've known for a while I'm still in my independent phase) and my dad likes to tell me that I'm ugly, especially when I look like I walked out of Vogue Magazine. Its tough to decide that you're doing all this for yourself when really you're doing it for the industry. Who needs all those eye-shadows, concealers, hair dyes, and mascara wands. So in my attempt at minimalism I'm going to challenge myself to find inner beauty: look for the good in myself (thought others may not see it).

Now don't get me wrong; I'm not renouncing everything that makes a girl a modern girl. I'll still own my ten dollar shades from Charming Charlie and I'll still walk around wearing pretty clothes and attempting to look blogger chic (one of my blog experiments was a style blog. I'm still toying with the idea of bring it back). I'll still wear blush and under-eye concealer and have a morning skin routine to keep it from look rough and "ugly". But I'll keep in mind that everything should be in moderation.

"For beautiful eyes look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone,"Audrey Hepburn

Searchin

2011-07-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

There's a quote out there, " Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle," by Plato and I feel like i haven't done it justice. In my guilty state I folded some of the laundry my mom had out and made grapefruit-orange juice. Now I'm craving some eggs and instead I'm getting the Indian version of grits. A girl's job is never ending. I'm actually in an emotional pickle at the moment. It has to deal with dance....

You see, I've known for some time that if I could do anything, I could just go and train to be a dancer, travel the world to perform for the masses, and then settle down and teach for the rest of my life. That's my dream. I wish I could fullfill it. But I know I will never be allowed to become a dancer: mainly cause most people don't understand that. Most people don't even know that when I was 8 years old, it was my decision to start dance. I wasn't one of those kids who only did it because their parents forced them to learn "culture". They don't get that it was my father who pressured me to quit for quite a few years before I finally gave in.

I really want to go back to pure dance. I hated performing for others because I was shy. About three to four years ago, during one of the most emotionally challenging time periods my dancing suffered and I heard that one of my dance partners said that I was such a bad dancer. That took a toll on me because you never really forget how people's words made you feel. After a three year period where my dancing suffered and my beliefs waned, I threw in the towel. But it didn't make my life any better. The happiest time of my life still remains when I was dancing rigorously and learning to teach it to little kids. In those days, all I had was dance. My dad is a chronic angry person and I was too shy to make any substantial mark in society or have meaningful relationships with anyone who existed outside of a book page. Dance was the one place that was peaceful.

I think I wanted to write this because I needed to realize what it means to me. I want to go back to the one place I had felt stable. I'm going to start dancing again with or without my father's permission.

How to Dress in a New Era

2011-07-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

I had quite some trouble with my blog template today. At one point I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a good few seconds when my careful editing caused my entire template to disappear. The events of today led me to the conclusion that I am not a computer afficianada.

I have a question about simplifying your life. My question is: is it possible to be trendy, minimalist, and have some character? Life isn't very minimalistic in my opinion. The most beautiful things in life have the colors of the rainbow and are intricate patterns. I think that today I'm going to invent my own brand of lifestyle: balancism. I think its cool to be simple and uncluttered , but I'm not a uncluttered kind of individual. I hold onto the things that have happened to me, in the hopes that remembering them, I will not make the same mistakes. Naturally that hasn't actually worked out in reality therefore I'm taking a new path, venturing on a new road, sailing on different seas (and in the process annoying even myself of my corniness).

The point is that I want change. I want to be different. There's this guy who always posts confidence and achieving your goal quotes on his status. I can't help but notice how much happier he seems in his life. He's successful because he made some goals and mapped out a real conceivable plans to make those goals a reality. So I wrote one up myself. It kinda reminded me of a resume that I wish I had right now. It impressed me how someone could take their life and make it better on their own accord. I wanted to do that too.

So here I am, hopefully trying out something that will last me at least until I'm out of college: minimalism, the college edition. Hey I'll even turn it into a challenge of sorts!

~The Blogger

Goal 1

2011-07-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

I must confess a major goal in my life is to become a dancer. I love kpop dances and since I have A LOT of free time, I've decided this could be my opportunity to become a kpop back up dancer. I think God gave me the wrong nationality. IF I could be anything I would be a rockin' kpop dancer........JUST sayin.

THIS is the tutorial I'm using:

AND this:

However. I'm too talented that I look like THIS:

Thank goodness there's only thirty more days in which I can make a fool of myself. However, I should be happy cause this might be the one time in which I can dance like a moron in peace.

How to Be a Kook

2011-07-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

My mother suggested that I drink something else than water today. I asked if this was an invitation to ask for tea. But instead she said, with all seriousness, that tea was still water and that I should try to drink something different...like fruit juice.

It was quite insulting as though she was instructing me on how to be a kook. Well I am happy to report that I am a kook. For instance, I decided to play songs on shuffle and I had ONLY a cup and a half of tea. Oh yeah I'm out of control!

I Can Never Find Matching Socks.......

2011-07-19T12:44:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a poem about mismatched socks.
But then I realized that
all my socks right now are matched
since my mother had gotten rid of the old ones.
Now its a pile of new stuff to mismatch.
And this seems like a pretty pointless poem.
Who cares though,
I got my first paid job!

I will work the fields
and join, for a short period of time,
the world of the employed.
Perhaps I might be lucky to get another longer-term one
But for now, I am thankful.
I have a paycheck.
And matching socks

Things That Scare the Crap Out of Me

2011-07-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

1. Not having a clue about what I want to do with the rest of my life.
2. Living in some small little town where the craziest things the folks do is sit on the front porch and watch TV ALL THE TIME. I just, I can't.
3. Growing up
4. People touching me or putting headphones on me. I don't know why, but the thought of someone doing that just freaks me out. If you are going to torture me bring a pair of bose headphones and I'll be begging for mercy within a minute.
5. Parasites and bugs within breathing distance of me. LIKE THE LICE INFESTATION OF THIS SUMMER :(

Clearly I have some issues.

"Anxiety Girl: Able to Jump to the Worst Conclusion in a Second!!!"

2011-07-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

Well I definitely feel a little dumb and am totally eating my words from yesterday because I got an email saying though my football team was put on probation, the season plans have not changed. I'm not sure what the point of the probation is, but hopefully the thunder clouds are slowly drifting over my head. In any case, I just am praying that I a) am able to keep to my goals this year and b) am able to do it with a minimalistic lifestyle.

So what are my goals? Well mainly tutoring, getting my GPA up, fulfilling a project that has been in my heart for a long time, getting a job throughout the year, learning to be a positive thinker, write more, and be healthier. I've also really wanted to branch out and meet new people, but this summer would suggest that will not happen as much as I hoped. I've been writing a little short story, but I ran into some faults with it because I don't want it to come out as the movie "The Adjustment Bureau". I have a tendency to take elements of stuff that I really like and use them in my writing, but its not very original now is it? Sometimes I feel like everything original has been thought up and its hard to see how much more I can offer to the world.

One really interesting thought that JK Rowling insists is that though she created seven books about the world of magic, she does not believe in it and that readers should not believe in it either. Do you think that people are more prone to believe the impossible when their life is so impossibly mundane? I think so. Roald Dahl quoted that, " Those who don't believe in magic will never find it", which I think makes a lot of sense. My religion deals with a lot of magic: Gods used their supreme powers to defeat the evils of the world while also dealing with the internal and external battles of their psyche. Maybe for me, its easier to want some of it to be real because I've felt trapped for a long time. However, what if the magic of this world isn't the wandwaving and spells (however much I would love that). It could be that the magic of the world is defeating the forces which want to tie us to a single fate and learning to grow beyond our measurable years.

Some Days......

2011-07-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

So I was kinda excited cause I had applied for a small job that seemed good for someone who's never worked before. It was supposed to be during my school's home football games HOWEVER I found out an hour ago that there the football team got suspended due to a questionable situation. Long story short I'm pretty sure I'm already out of a job and I hadn't even found out if I got it or not! Its luck like mine which makes me absolutely positive there's a gloomy, dark thundercloud over my head and over every opportunity I get. Kinda makes it tough to be positive sometimes......

I think I've learned my lesson for not caring more about lessons. Please let this awful period in life be over....Please Please Please Please.

Sorry I'm not so cheerful. Its just hard to see every opportunity I've gotten just knocked out of the air because of horrible timing, etc. To top it off I won't even be able to get a free t-shirt that they hand out for the games!

Hope the rest of the world is more cheerful than I am.
~The Blogger

Hands Held High

2011-07-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

Twelve years ago I sat in my little third grade classroom listening to my teacher's assistant read to the class from a small little book she picked up at the bookstore. I was annoyed because I wanted to go read my own stories and barely paid attention at first. But as I started to open my mind to the tales of Harry and Ron and Hermione, I suddenly began to crave more. I needed to know what happened next. Soon after, my parents banned me from reading the books; they thought it was dangerous material which would make me frivolously waste my time. My dad in particular wanted me to read anatomy books as he wanted me to be a doctor. I remember sneaking past library books for the Harry Potter books, reading them by flashlight so that I wouldn't be caught.

I know they're not incredible piece of literature by a critics view. Sure they have faults, but how can one deny they're amazing magic? What other books have such a captivated audience. Even as a ten year old, I knew their significance in my life. With Harry Potter, I was going on my own adventures in my very own house. Somewhere along the lines my dad especially realized that I would keep on reading Harry Potter no matter what he said. Eventually he conceded when the movies came out. I memorized line after line of Harry Potter and wished bitterly that someone would come take me to Hogwarts. I think for the greater part of my life, I have resented reality. Most people do, but I really wanted to fly and play Quidditch and learn potions.

Thing about reality is that it tends to be less than what you imagine. For the greater part of my life, I read novels as an escape from my world of sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment. I thrived in someone else's imagination because I felt like I could never create such a beautiful universe that I could call my own. I hated my parents limits just as much as I hated being Indian. To be born into such a family with so many restrictions on what you ate, wore, and thought was tiresome. But I saw characters such as Jane Austen's lovely leading ladies, Harry, Ron and Hermione, and countless others live beyond the expectations of their worlds, I hoped and dreamed that I too would get that kind of freedom.

It has been a hard few months. I nearly failed a class in a subject I hated, and I found myself bitterly regretting my school. I was some person whom I had never met: I didn't devour books, I wanted to talk to people constantly and found pleasure in being cold and unreachable. I could not recognize myself and neither could anyone else. To go from someone who had dreams to one who feared the future was a transition I never expected out of college. The list of things I am afraid of is long: from relationships to spending money to changing my mind. I wish there was someone who told me that it was OK to ask for help and to struggle. I wish there was someway I could've realized that school was supposed to be enjoyable. Sure it's hard, but I wanted to enjoy myself and my major.

I began to look into the roots of my misery: I don't really like science, or really anything that'll get me a paycheck. I wish I had a bigger imagination so that I could write up a universe which could eclipse my reality, however I have no such insight. I can't even begin to imagine how it would be to live someone else's life because for so long I had been trapped in my body wishing I was someone, anyone else. Being afraid of life is the biggest struggle I've dealt with. Its worse than being depressed, but I know that there are people out there who face true horrors. This is a rather heavy handed post which I was only brave enough to publish because I needed to face up to realities of my life rather than lurking in someone else's reality. I will never be able to fly a broomstick, play Quidditch, stow my money in Gringotts, or go study magic at Hogwarts. But I will be able to walk out of life knowing that I could think up these things alongside Rowling to the end of my days. I might be an adult, but I'm not yet a grownup with grownup ideas and limitations. I am more than that.

The Case of the Lice Infestation

2011-07-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

I have terrible news....There's a lice infestation in my house. Miraculously I didn't get any yet, but I am feeling it creeping up slowly, as though it was some cloud of gloomy inevitability. My poor mom has been dealing with it for so long and now my dad has got it too. I told them from the very beginning, the moment I heard that my mom had lice that we needed to buy the shampoo to kill them. My dad was having a good laugh so he wouldn't go. Now he's gotten it, much to my begrudging delight because now we'll get the shampoo. I feel so guilty laughing at them, but its all just so funny. Sure I feel itchy all over, but I have a feeling its more psychological than parasitic in origin. Its a little funny though. I have no refused to go anywhere near the couches or the day bed in the living room. For that matter I just stay in my room and hope to goodness that there's no bugs in my stuff.

The moral of this story is
a) DON'T share anything with people
b) always have lice medicine shampoo around
c) always help someone who has lice because you never know if you'll catch those little disgusting buggers yourself
d) eat healthy and be healthy and keep clean at all times

In other news, I've been making a list of the things that I absolutely want to keep for my new minimalist experiment. I might keep all my decorations because for one thing, they take up very little space and are super colorful and for another, the rooms at my college are so incredibly tiny and gringy that you need a lot of colorful things to make it seem less creepy. I remember when I was cleaning out my room and it was so depressing and scary to stay in my empty apartment alone that I had to beg my friend to come spend time with me while I finished packing. It was also at that time that I realized I had a huge problem with the amount of stuff that I owned. Only a few weeks earlier, I had cleared out at least two to three drawers and still hung on to silly little things.

I have a tendency to become emotionally attached to my stuff, no matter how stupid or cheap they are. I think the reason was because when I was younger, we moved out of our first house and I was forced to get rid of a lot of my things. In middle school and high school, I refused to buy anything because my father would only buy me clothes and stuff from walmart. I hated walmart though now I understand better its appeal to so many people. One day in high school, my cousin gave me two huge boxes of clothes. We sat down and I was simply amazed at how many clothes there were. Sure I would never buy things, but my dad also wouldn't really buy me anything usually. I loved to wear skirts and dresses and I wasn't allowed to wear any of them. He would always make me buy clothes that were two sizes too big and for the great part of my life I looked like I was wearing elephant skin. I hardly owned a coat or sweater either.

My cousin was shocked that this was a lot of clothes and out of pity kept offering me clothes. At the time, I thought I dressed really well, though now that I think about I probably still looked super frumpy in my jeans and t-shirts. Since I now mainly wear skirts and dresses, the thought of my clothing past shocks me. But nothing shocks me more than the realization that I had so much CRAP. For someone who doesn't like pants I certainly own so many of them. I own so many cardigans, jackets, coats and scarfs; necklaces, books, nailpolish, and paper; pens, lotions, makeup, etc... and its so overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to toss out everything and start afresh.

This is why I want to make the journey to owning less. I think if I do, then I'll stop spending so much money and I'll truly be able to focus on what's really important: my career and myself. It doesn't matter how many cute dresses you own, but if you can't get a job or if you're constantly depressed you will never feel good about yourself.

You Can't Get Lost if You Don't Know Where You are Going

2011-07-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

These past two months have been exactly what I wanted to need: very little academic pressure, in fact very little pressure at all. I know I wanted to volunteer, read a lot, and start studying for MCATs and try to improve my memory, etc etc. You know those crazy plans you think you'll accomplish because they will make you a better person in the eyes of the people who judge? I made a ton of those and I also made a ton of remarkable revelations.

For starters: I really hate eating unhealthy food all the time. Binge eating at my aunt's house made me realize that I hated myself when I didn't take care of it. I was itching to run again, even though five years ago I told everyone that I hated to run. I like to take care of myself (not in an obsessive way, but in the good way). I also realized just how much I want my life to revolve around public service and how ready I am to be poor as a pauper just so that I can work with kids and the public. But I'm terrified, because doing what I want means rebelling against my parents. Frankly, after a lifetime of rebelling, I wished that I wouldn't have to do it anymore. Finally, I realized how much I wanted to write and tell a story. I nearly considered trying to write a book; though if I had started working on it, I'm not sure how many people would want to read it.

But in place of all these impossible plans, and goals I have come away with a few simple truths: I want to believe in myself, I want to be a minimalist, I want to hold onto my spirituality, and I want to talk to people. I know pretty this blog is only for me, but in the midst of my mindless poetry and essays, I think I did want to record my ambition for the year: to become a minimalist and connect to people on a much better level. The other day I was spoken to so rudely and with such arrogance, I kept wondering what I had done to deserve it. No one can make me feel insecure or less dignified. I implore everyone to be aware of how you talk to others for you never know how it will affect them. Live with some intention and consciousness.

I also hoped to finally start my minimalistic journey through life. Six months ago, I began tossing out old things and donating old clothes and trying to reduce the amount of stuff that I had. It began to overpower me and the clutter was too much to handle. I'm going to begin my minimalism by clearing out this big suitcase of clothes that I have. I need to finally come to terms with the fact that my materialism has reached its absolute limit. I also have come to terms with the fact that negativity has ruled my consciousness with an iron fist. I am going to try to make a conscious effort to be a kinder self-respecting individual. As the Swedish Proverb goes,“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”

Last Thursday I went to New York City and I felt so overwhelmed by the amount of people and things and sights. But the beauty of the city was that it seemed to be so full of life that the city itself was alive. It was amazing to behold. Of course, I finished all my shopping for a year or two: finding pieces which I can imagine myself wearing over and over again. I walked so much and talked so much, it was almost as though I had found myself again. The next day I got the opportunity to visit Boston, which was an equally amazing city. Perhaps one day, I will get a job at either of those cities and work there. It was truly unbelievable how great my days were in these places, when I knew that just one moment could make it worse or better. You never know how things will end up. Its all in the wind. People kept asking me if I was afraid of getting lost. To be honest, at first I was very frightened that I would end up on some small alley and get mugged or worse. But I began to understand that you really can't be lost if you don't know where you are going.

You can't be disappointed, if you don't know what you want from life. Its that way when you're looking for a dress. If you come to the store with high expectations of what you WANT to find, you'll never find it. But if you walk into an establishment with an open mind, you'll more than what you ever dreamed. I'm not sure why things work out this way, but I pray that things turn around for me and for my family.

Have a great day y'all =)
Sincerely
The Blogger

Ricotta Quiche is a One-Two-Three Step Process

2011-07-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

Here's my attempt at making mini Quiche:

One spoon ricotta cheese
two eggs
herbs:basil, thyme, rosemary, celery salt, and oregano
small part of a red onion, cut into tiny bits
half a red potato, peeled and diced into small pieces
shredded cheese (pick your favorite kind)
lemon peel + half a lemon juiced
one garlic clove, minced
dash of oil
salt to taste

Basically you cook the onion, potato, and garlic, and oil in a pan until the potato is cooked. In a bowl spread a little bit of the herbs, break the two eggs in the bowl, and add the ricotta cheese and mix until well-blended. Now add a small portion of the cheese, lemon peel and juice. Now, add the cooked potato mix to the bowl and mix well. In a mini cupcake pan (or really any pan) take some pre-cooked pastry shells [I used fully baked filo dough shells] and spoon the mixture into each until you are finished with the mixture. Because I'm in love with cheese, I added a lovely garnish of a few strands of shredded cheese to each of the quiches. As a final touch I took some black pepper and sprinkled each with it. Just bake until golden brown and they seem fully cooked.

The best part of this is you can do this in any home and its so easy that it took me twenty mins to prepare + cooktime. Even better (if that's possible) is you can really mix it up to add anything you want and make it any size you want. You can use a number of pastry shells and you can probably prepare this even in a toaster oven, so if you live in a small dorm or apartment this is perfect. It makes a great little breakfast, brunch snack, or just a Hors d'œuvre for a party. They just finished, and they taste delicious.

That's my cooking for the summer.

Confuddlement

2011-07-04T00:09:00.000-07:00

It's so late,
and you're sitting here with ideas
swimming in your head
wondering what and where and how
your future will unfold
as though its a Persian carpet
uncurling from a magic lamp,
completely enveloping you in uncertain fog
while your head is bursting to the seams
from the wrong fit of those dreams
that were placed upon your shoulders by someone
who did not know how much weight you had to bear.

~this is just part of a poem. I think I might keep on working on it and make it into a spoken word and maybe make it my first conscience poem to perform one day......

All These Things I've Done

2011-06-30T15:48:00.001-07:00

Why do women become fixated to the idea of a perfect face? I bought (for the first time) foundation and I've been trying to put it on so it looks as natural as possible. When I was younger, I used to have perfect skin which was rarely blemished or fouled by ugly pimples. But lately, from scares of those few pimples and more acne than usual I bought some concealer and foundation. I just feel like I've sold out out though to the beauty industry. Everyone has perfect lips, and face, and cheeks, and eyes; at least I do now....But why do I feel even more terrible and ugly than before? It was a mistake to buy this stuff. Sure its a nice idea, but if I'm not me than who am I?

I took the make up off. So what if I have undeniably appalling dark undereye circles and rather colorless skin. I also think that odds are against me. I gotta keep on emailing professors for research. Out of the plenty that I've contacted, I just want one to give me a chance. If only, if only.

The Sun Shines So Brightly

2011-06-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

There's a certain sadness when I know that I can't avoid things more. I have to look into and find research. I have a phone interview tomorrow for a small job that I found and applied to. I'm growing up and with it disappears a romanticism that I live by. The tune is now that of a girl who is trying to catch up, trying to stave off the years before they add to her.

Plans are made to be broken, but the plans that I'm making should not be broken. I wish there was a magical land to run away to sometimes... If I could change anything, I would make magic real because then I could hide the troubles with a simple spell.

The Heart of a Dancer

2011-06-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

So...You think you can dance.
That one on the floor,
with your satiny smooth cha cha chas.
You think you know what it takes to be one?
A dancer
A person.
Dance is humanity,
it is the feelings which we detect in our darkest corners
it is the life which runs away with the universe.
It is many a person's dream
to be carried away in the depths of despair
and the currents of the tide.
Dance is fear embodied,
as they crouch in terror of the wars.
It is power united
on the stance of a steady plié.
Magnificent is love which unites the heart and the human.
Limitless is the soul which fills the body.
Boundless is the dance which fills the heart.

~So I really loved to dance. Every now and then I get a sudden thrill in the dreams I used to have: stop everything, go back to my home country and train fulltime in the classical training. Naturally life has a funny way of tearing your desperate dreams from the plausible realities. Dream on folks...

-The Blogger

Never Going Back Again

2011-06-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

Sita sighed into her hands as she sat exasperatedly before her empty Word document. Listening to an album of one more heartbreak only caused her own painful memories to be stronger. Of course, hers wasn't really a heartbreak anymore. It was years since the fatal car crash which took her younger brother. Some other guy was driving under the influence and didn't see the red light where Akhil sat waiting at the wheel. The loss of her sibling took as great a toll on her as it did her parents. She remembered the silence of her parents when they opened the door to the policeman. He only could utter "Mr. and Mrs. Patel, there's been an accident" before her mother slid down to the floor, sobbing. Its a mother's instinct to know when something dreadful has happened to her child, Sita supposed.

It had been years since this night. Sita went to college, but with her absence, her mother could take it no more. Mrs. Patel begged her husband to move back to India, to a city in South India, Bangalore. Here they had family, friends, no memories. After Berkeley, her parents implored her to move back to India with them, to get married to a suitable boy from a family, to work in some office from 9-5 each day. It echoed hollowly of the life Sita had never wished upon herself. Instead, she moved to San Francisco, working as a journalist for a local paper. Then the recession and the internet hit, and her paper shut down. Disappointed though her parents were, she began to write free-lance for various magazines and newspapers. Sighing defeat, Sita exited out of her empty word document and opened her email. In her inbox was another email from her mother, asking her to meet this son from a good family in San Francisco. She shook her head with an incredulous smirk. It amazed her how her parents could try to boss her around though she was halfway across the world from them.

Sita was an average height woman with a light brown complexion. She had great big, chocolate brown eyes with long curly lashes, and a small, thin mouth. Her hair was like a mob-lord: tangled and perpetually threatening to blow up to afro proportions without proper hair products. Since college, she wore clothes like an Indie spirit. Her favorite uniform was a great big cardigan, with a floral dress, and wedges. She thought she was pretty, but not enough so for the men in her life. Rarely did she meet new people, let alone go on dates. She had not always been like this though. There was a time when she was care-free, charismatic and charming. That was considered the Before Accident era. The day of the accident, she would never ever forget. Sometimes, her parents wondered why she took it so hard. Afterall, he was only a brother.

Akhil was a great guy. He was in high school, Sita recalled. He was a little under 6 feet tall, with identical chocolate brown eyes and long curly lashes as Sita. He always looked up to her, always was proud of his sister. While he was not as smart as she, he was clever and kind. The boy volunteered in shelters to feed the homeless of the community. At the local center, they all knew him as the Indian prince. He was tall, tan, and truly considerate. Sita spent most of her time playing music, studying, and working all towards her dreams of going to Berkeley. She rarely spent time with her little brother, believing him to be a distraction that was best not in her life.

There was once upon a time, when the siblings would run down to the neighborhood park to play with the other children. This was when they were very very young. One day, a bully by the name of Stan took Akhil's bike. Akhil sobbed running up to Sita and in a garbled mess of a speech declared what had happened. Sita looked as Stan rode away with her little brother's bike; he was so big and would crush her in an instant. So Sita took Akhil by the shoulder and said "I've got a plan". The next day, Stan was showing off his "new" bike when Sita ran up to him. She began to tell him to return the bike, etc etc etc. The bully threw the bike down, and approached threateningly. Behind them, Akhil ran and stole back the bike and rode off. Before fists were thrown, Sita ran into view of the parents. Stan cracked his knuckles, but once he turned around, he angrily tried to run after her to make them return his stolen good. This time the parents were there to stop any more actions.

Sita remembered how Akhil was a good kid. It was a sunny afternoon. He was lying down after getting SAT scores. Their father had yelled at him for not scoring well enough to place into an Ivy League. "You will not get anywhere with your low score of 2050! This is it! Your life is ruined!" Parents can be extremely overdramatic. Fuming, Akhil just wanted to leave and so he stomped to Sita and asked her to go on a ride with him. He was angry, but knew he shouldn't drive in such an emotional state. It was such a pretty day, and everyone was so mad, and I was just...busy, Sita tried to reason with herself. She had been repeating this lie to herself every day for the past seven years from the time when the policeman opened the door to her mother's bloodcurdling sobs, to the funeral with the large line of well wishers whose lives had been touched by her brother. Sita had been busy, his death was not her fault.

She chucked herself away from the emotions and the computer. Pacing around, she noted how the weather was beautiful, the wind was lovely, midst the self-loathing of herself. Seven years ago, Sita's brother had asked her to take a ride with him and she refused. She just didn't want to be around him, but she claimed she had homework. That night, he sneaked out of the house, taking her car keys: she suspected he was tired of being held hostage in the house. Now Sita felt as though she was there with him, as she saw the traffic lights pass by. He would've rolled down the window, because the air would've let him feel like he was flying away. She watched as he slowly braked, pulling his hand back onto the wheel, with a small smile on his face. She knew that he probably still had the glint of that smile as he saw the lights heading towards him. She prayed he didn't feel a thing.

The next day, a servant picked up a phone call in India. "Ma, I want to take a pilgrimage to India," Sita calmly said to her mother. "I dont' want to be set up, and I'm not moving there. I just want to see you before I move to Europe. There's a job I want to interview for in London." Sita spoke quietly with her mother. She was very excited to see her parents again, despite their asserted and unnecessary bossiness. As she packed up her quirky jewelry and clothes, she turned back to her computer, opened up her document, and began writing about the guilt she felt over her brother's death. She should've been in the car with him. She knew she couldn't change the past anymore, though she spent most of the last seven years trying to. She knew she survived when he hadn't, and she couldn't stay here anymore. Sita didn't know where she was going anymore, but all she could say for sure was that she was never going back again.

~My first attempt at a short story. I tried to write about what I knew. While I haven't faced the death of a younger sibling or even death to such a personal extent, I do know that pain like this can change a person. See how the parents left America in defeat and agony. At first I nearly had the main narrator die in a fatal car crash as she recounted the story of her brother's death. I think that such a deep sorrow as loss can do one of two things: lead you to your demise, or lead you to your greatest achievements. What Sita (and in extension me) realized is that sometimes loss leads to a middle ground which is neither greatness nor downfall. I'm not very good at this writing thing. At least I tried, right?

Good night from the blogger.

I Feel Pretty

2011-06-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

Pain is the impetus of the human soul.
At least its like a muse that created chapels,
and temples, and music which spoke to hundreds of thousands of more souls.
Its the language which carried the love, and lust, and loss of humanity.
But what does that even mean?
Pain is disappointment.

When I started school,
I thought I would fall in love with the first man I dated,
that I would fall in love with my ideas of the future.
So what happened?
I met the wrong man, picked the wrong topic of study,
hung out with the wrong friends.
Disappointment really changes a person.
Pain really scares a girl.

Why am I being so honest here when I'm never honest with myself? I will never really understand it, believe you me. I guess the point of this whole homage to my insignificant, yet life-altering decisions is that everyone is responsible for their own words. At the same time, understand that everyone watches out for their own. I'm making this pain into something more valuable. I've felt ashamed for the greater part of two years. Word of advice: never let anyone shame you, or make you feel less "pretty and witty and bright". I guess I should take this lesson to use in the coming year. Now to say goodbye to my mom as she's going back home.

~The Blogger

There Will Be No Accidents Today

2011-06-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, I wrote on one of my (many) personal blogs about what I thought the meaning of life was. Isn't it fascinating how that age-old question still dazzles the masses? I remember writing about how the meaning of life is comparative to turning a crystal in white light: it transforms white light to a whole spectrum of colors. I don't know if there's a meaning for life. For years (in my atheist and agnostic stages of life) I reasoned that there probably was no true reason for existence. I mean, why on Earth would some greater being want to create life just to have it all suffer and die eventually? Truth be told, there is no rhyme to the madness of biology.

Why are we here? A few years ago I passed by my brother's bicycle and decided I had to learn how to ride a bike. I never learned how to when I was a little kid, and here was the chance to make up for this. I don't know if you ever noticed, but riding a bike is a lot like learning to trust the universe to make sure you don't fall down. The bike naturally moves in a circle and if you move in too small an area, the machine wants to topple down. I taught myself how to ride a bike, which to say the least is a scary feat. Even today, I keep trying to ride smoothly so I can use the skill as transportation later on. The challenge is recognizing a mantra and realizing that today will not be the day that you die from a bike injury. Its a hard road to this truth. The consequences have been a corny mantra: "There will be no accidents today", a sore bottom, and a fear of downhill slopes.

I think we, living things I mean, are here to survive our curiosity. No one or thing would be in trouble if we lay where we were born for the rest of our lives and never wondered if there was something better. Imagine not being able to drive, or leave the place of your residence. You would go crazy wouldn't you? I think the meaning of life is to go beyond what you thought you were meant to do. For me, that's going back to school and righting the terrible grades I've been getting. Its like learning to ride a bike: I've gotten a shaky start, and slowly I'll eventually become a better rider. That's the meaning of my life: to disprove everyone, and show them that I transcend the expectations they have for me. Most people think that after a certain point you can't learn to ride a bike, or to swim. To them, I say that's a load of crap. If you want something badly enough, you go out and get it. Maybe this semester will be my time to shine....

The Art of Getting By

2011-06-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I found a peaceful spot. In my aunt's house (well its more like a little tyke of a mansion) there's a small little sky-blue guest room (which ironically is bigger than my dorm bedroom) and the windows are actually patio doors which open out to the beautiful tree skyline around this place. Its beautiful and it made me wonder how fabulous it must've been for my cousin's to grow up here. If they wanted, they could've taken out sleeping bags and camped out. The sunset is beautiful as the sun tickles the sky goodbye. The orchestra of the world is my soundtrack and I wish I could stay here forever.

Sadly, things don't last. I wanted to make a lovely cheese sauce, but my uncle sorta started baking. With normal people this would be fine, but my uncle is a tad bit special. He likes to open all the cabinets and take out a million and one dishes, ingredients, and then puts this myriad of STUFF on the countertops thereby stopping any amount of other cooking until he's done. I'm sure this is the price of a rather delicious, buttery cookie that I was munching on as I snuck out onto this secret blissful spot.

One might wonder about what the hell I'm doing, writing about random crap that relates to no one but me. I'm tired of hiding. If there's one thing I wish I had the guts to do, its sing "What a wonderful world" at my cousin's wedding. Of course, a quiet voice has its setbacks. Sometimes it feels like no one listens, but then when I ask myself do I want to be heard I know the answer is no. I want to be remembered, but in order to remember something you have to forget.

There's a lot I wish I could forget. A lot. But, I can't do that. All I can do is sneak out another cookie and maybe make some mac and cheese, find a good playlist, and watch a cute little movie because sometimes its OK to be invisible.

Until next time, I am the Blogger, bidding the world goodnight.

Insomnia

2011-05-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

To the dark, sleepless nights
which left me tossing and turning
hoping for a better morning,
I bid thee farewell.
I have found a replacement for the cold and empty longingness
as one replaces an old battery.
It is a love, which wraps me up like a feathery blanket.
Every night I'm treated to a colorful symphony of words,
bright and cheerful and warm.
It is a love which trumps my weaknesses.
I had almost forgotten what I was good at.
You know when that happens, and you feel a darkness inside
almost as though there's a black hole where your heart used to be.
Even light could not escape it.
I still lie down and wonder what will happen to me,
for the future is a foggy as a misty morning,
but then the words they cover me up like a pashmina.
Suddenly, the empty page is conquered,
and the void was slowly filled up with a dream.
They tell me that I cannot make it,
and deep down, a part of me will always think "you are crazy."
They told me my dream was impossible
and that I'd be damned if it came true.
I've made mistakes in my past,
and I always thought they made me ugly-gave me scars that no amount of surgery could fix.
But I was wrong, the real scar is giving up-
letting the fear of falling overcome the hope of climbing.
I wish I could find a map,
with directions and instructions
as though this life is straight from the manufacturer.
But there manual for what this is,
this jumble of thoughts and ideas and feelings and shades of living.
We're all wishing for a secret that could get us through the days, the months, the years.
Some of us, we're still waiting.

OneTen

2011-05-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

There are truths which I know to be self-evident.
There is no worse feeling than to know that you failed yourself.
See Success, it feels normal like breathing in air or drinking water,
but failure is unbearable.
It can burn out the fire in your soul, making you gasp for oxygen.

Every day, when we go home and settle down with a cup of tea
or a glass of wine
or a jug of juice
we're all thinking the same thing: thank goodness the day is over.
We're not ready for the next day,
or jumping for joy about the end of today.

We are all suffering
from external influences
and internal ones too.
Disappointments hurt us, especially when its in ourselves.

But we are also all in love,
with an idea,
a faith,
a hope that one day things will be better and
that maybe our dreams would come true.

As people intertwined,
there are forces as work which make us compete against each other
for the same jobs and positions to gain.
But really, we are all brothers and sisters
in this extended family of humanity.

I know that we are not perfect,
though we are trying to be perfection embodied.
There's nothing wrong with that.

There's also nothing wrong with falling to rock bottom,
because I know that at the end of the fall,
we'll dust off our knees and try again,
with nothing but up to climb.

This morning I saw this a Ted Talks by Sarah Kay and it prompted me to think of a new way to write without totally alienating the things which bother me right now.

The talk surrounds the growth of an artist and her route to self-discovery through telling stories. She has a beautiful voice and is truly inspiring.

Magic

2011-05-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have in my head a spell
to make a bright glimmer
sparks
fire
quick getaway.

I will whisper it and
like the wind
it will run
through the world electrifying
and terrifying.

Then when you least expect it,
I will leap
going far away
far from what you thought.

An escape,
a way,
a trapdoor in life.
Its like magic.

How to Fall in Love

2011-05-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

I wish my heart was like a tree.
Perhaps watering your heart will let its withered spirit blossom.
Where did the love go?
Where is the faith?

There's a void where those emotions had been.
Like I've slowly transformed into this robot
which neither cares about what you think,
or what she thinks.

These questions torture my mind,
as if a constant tear is waiting to fall.
How can I miss something I never had?
How can I feel so alone?

The Beginning

2011-05-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

They watched as it all fell, fell to the ground.
Sorrow captivates their eyes like an actor.
Fear not, my children, fear not for
Life rebuilds after catastrophe.

~Here's my start and maybe it will be great as they promised it would be. Maybe I'll find dreams or heartbreak but at least it isn't repition. Cheers =)